Balancing Life
One of the things that families tell us is that it is a significant
challenge to balance all the things in life when a child in the family
has a chronic illness.
If the child lives in a two parent family, one
parent may be working while the other is trying to balance family, house
and all of the issues involved with a sick child. A mom who was working
when the child was diagnosed may give up her job in order to be available
when the child is sick.
In single parent families, the challenges are
magnified by the reality that there is only one person to do all of the
tasks. Sometimes, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends or church members
are available to help; sometimes they are not.
Siblings may feel all
sorts of feelings from jealousy, anger, resentment, guilt and much more.
Being shuffled from family to friends may make the sibling unsure of
where he ‘belongs’ in the family. The chronically ill child
may feel guilty or feel that it is their ‘fault’ that everyone
is under a great deal of stress.
There are many things you can do to help you and your family. Some suggestions
include:
- Communicate! Each of you is feeling the stress
of busy schedules, sadness over your child’s illness, trying
to juggle everyone’s needs, and many different, and sometimes
difficult, emotions. Share your concerns and ways that you may be able
to help each other through this challenging time. Talk openly and often.
-
Build in fun activities. Families often say that
it is very difficult to plan ahead. Vacations, family outings, trips
to Grandmas may all be canceled due to a trip to the hospital, a fever,
or the child just not feeling very good. Substitute other activities,
especially if there is a disappointment like a cancelled outing. Family
Game Night, movies and popcorn, or a drive in the country with a picnic
by a lake may be just as fun as a long-awaited event. After all, the
most important thing is that you are all together, doing something
enjoyable! - Take time to understand one another’s concerns.
Grown-ups and kids do not have the same types of concerns. Kids may
be upset about not being able to sit in the front seat of the car with
you or not being able to go alone to the grocery store with you. Similarly,
adult concerns about work, finances, and family issues may not be understood
by a youngster. Taking time to recognize each others frustrations and
concerns is very helpful. It is okay if you never completely understand
the other person’s point of view. The important thing is to acknowledge
that it is important to your family member. Remember, feelings never
have to be defended or justified. Sometimes, we just feel a certain
way without really understanding “why” ourselves.
-
Laugh! A mom once told me that it had been months
since she and her family had really laughed out loud. To remedy this,
she went to the video store and rented funny movies, and visited the
bookstore to buy books with silly jokes. Although a family may need
to ‘practice’ laughing during stressful times, it is true
that laughter is good medicine. - Take care of yourself. With as many things as moms,
dads, and other caregivers must do when a child in the family is ill,
taking care of themselves is often one of the first things to be eliminated
from busy schedules. It is essential that you remember to take care
of yourself, and to get plenty of rest, relaxation and good nutrition.
A warm, relaxing bath or 15-minutes of listening to calming music may
enable you to return to the tasks at hand, feeling renewed and refreshed.
Accept the offers of others to help you by cleaning house, cooking
meals, transporting kids, or other methods of reducing your load.
- Cry together. Although this may sound odd at first,
sharing your feelings of sadness with your family may enable all of
you to better understand your feelings. Children often wonder why their
parents or others do not cry around them. They are aware when their
illness is serious, or when family members are upset. Not seeing a
display of that emotion may be confusing to a child. Explain to your
child that you are crying because you are sad that he must experience
all that is involved with his illness, and that it is difficult for
the entire family. Follow this with a discussion of things that all
of you might do to make the situation easier for all family members.
This enables your child with an illness and your other children to
be part of the solution, and to feel empowered by their ability to
help the family. You may be surprised by some of the really great ideas
they share!
For more information, please contact:
Kathy Davis, MSEd, PhD
kdavis2@kumc.edu
(913) 588-6305